One month before her 13th birthday my daughter, Jennie[1], attempted suicide. She had tried to tell me her stepdad was sexually molesting her, but when confronted, he lied. Like a thatch hut amidst hurricane winds, my life collapsed around me that hot August night in 1994.
As a parent I wanted my home to be a safe place. To protect my children I installed baby gates and cupboard locks and I kept the house as germ free as possible. I never realized that family posed a devastating danger to my children.
Bureau of Justice Statistics show that non-strangers commit 73 percent of sexual abuse against females. Of that 73 percent, 38 percent was a friend or acquaintance, 28 percent an intimate relative and seven percent another relative.[2] Don’t be fooled into thinking your son is safe. Experts estimate 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused before their 18th birthday.
No one wants to talk about sexual abuse. However, avoiding the conversation puts children at greater risk. Abuse wounds deeply and the victims carry the scars long after the abuse has stopped. Experiences of molestation, rape or attempted rape precede more than 60 percent of teen first pregnancies.[3] To keep our children safe we need to do more than tell them to avoid strangers.
Where to Begin
Teach children the proper names of body parts. This can begin as early as 18 months of age. Between the ages of 3 - 5, teach what parts of the body are private (those covered by a swimsuit) and about good and bad touches. Parents, have this discussion together with your child. Clearly state even Mom and Dad aren’t allowed these bad touches.
Teach your children what an offender may say to manipulate them: “I’ll hurt your parents; this is your fault; your parents will stop loving you; if you tell, you'll get in trouble or be taken away from home.” He may also threaten to hurt her. Assure your children these things are not true. Manipulation keeps an offender’s victim silent, and it’s one of an offender’s strongest tools.
· Convey your unconditional love and support for them.
· Encourage your daughter or son to tell if something happens.
The Next Step
· Develop a help network. Your network may include grandparents, parents of your children’s friends, teachers, a youth pastor, etc. Tell them what you are doing and ask their permission to include them in your network.
· Create a specific network for each child and involve them in creating it. Tell them it's okay to go anyone in the network if abuse occurs. Have them tell at least two people.
· Teach your network how to respond—remain calm, believe the child, praise her courage in telling and assure her you will take action to protect her. Network members MUST then REPORT the incident. Reporting agencies vary by state. Call your local police to learn the appropriate authority in your area.
An offender works hard to build a trusting relationship with a child and her family. This trust makes it harder for the child to tell about the abuse, and nearly impossible for the parents to believe the child when she does tell.
Belief in your child’s disclosure is essential. False reports are rare. Refusal to believe your daughter will put her at further risk. She may shut down, change her story and feel even guiltier—and the abuse continues.
Deter an Offender Ahead of Time
A sex offender wants power and control. Sex is the tool he uses to get it. First, a child or teen is targeted and “groomed.” Grooming includes buying her things, taking her places, setting no boundaries, encouraging her to break boundaries, telling sexual jokes or talking sexual, etc. He[4] does what's necessary to look cool in the child's eyes. He may spend days, weeks, months, even years, doing this before acting out.
Inform your family, friends and parents of your child’s friends of your prevention plan by sending them a letter. If there is a sexual offender within that group, you have notified him or her that your child knows about abuse and is prepared to fight it. For the offender, not getting caught is a top priority. Your child is now a less appealing target.
How do I avoid offending family and friends?
Diffuse possible misunderstandings with your letter. For example, “The majority of sexual abuse victims are abused by people they know. We believe this is a critical tool in protecting our children. We realize this doesn't apply to most of society and hope this letter doesn't offend you.” Encourage them to start a prevention plan of their own and expect similar letters from them.
Implementing all or any part of this plan can help protect your child from sexual abuse. Take the time and courage to begin a plan today.
Call your local police and ask if there are specific local agencies that may be of help.
Check the front of your phone book for abuse hotlines.
Bio: Debra L. Butterfield is a freelance writer and speaker. Her book, Help! My Husband Has Sexually Abused Our Daughter: a Devotional Guide for Mothers of Victims, is available at Booklocker.com. You can read more about her book at http://www.debralbutterfield.com/index_files/Page4324.htm
Debra is launching an electronic magazine late Feb. or early March 2009. It's called Glory and Strength, a Christian publication and is designed to give encouragement and hope to women who have been impacted in some way by sexual abuse, physical abuse, adultery, etc. Check out the website, www.gloryandstrength.com to find a sample article where you can sign up, if you are interested. Then pass this information on to those you know who can benefit from this ezine. For more information, visit Debra's Web site at www.debralbutterfield.com.
[1] All names changed to protect privacy. [2] Bureau of Justice Statistics, National Crime Victimization Survey, Criminal Victimization, 2005, September 2006 [3] Darkness2Light.org, 7 Steps to protecting our children [4] “He” is used for the sake of simplicity. Statistics indicate men are most often the perpetrator, though women do offend. Not all offenders are adults.
