JourneytoDignity.com

A Journey to Understanding Gender, Responsibility, and Biblical Balance

concerning the roles of men and women in the church

Introduction

Patriarchy exists and no one can, in my opinion, be responsible for it. It is

a heritage we all possess which impacts all of us, both men and women.

Although there may be positive aspects to patriarchy, this paper focuses on

how wide reaching its negative affects can be. For the purpose of this essay,

I have chosen an incident that occurred when I was 37 years old. While

seeking counsel as a result of that incident, I experienced negative

encounters with two pastors.

The Context of the Situation

I had been married for ten years and had two daughters from a previous

marriage, ages 14 and 15. My husband, Ralph (not his real name), had

adopted the girls the second year of our marriage and was the only father

they had ever known. We faithfully attended church and studied the Bible as

a family. It seemed that God had brought a wonderful restoration into our

lives from the desertion that we had experienced by the girls' biological

father. I lived in deep gratitude to God for my family.

During those years, I was a stay-at-home mom and had been teaching a

successful women's Bible study. Ralph decided that he did not want me to

teach the class, so, I quit teaching at his request. In addition, I had recently

obtained my real estate license and had begun to work with a local real

estate broker. However, Ralph felt that it would take too long for me to start

earning money, so he told me to quit, and I did.

My complete and unquestioning compliance to my husband’s wishes had to

do with my misunderstanding of "biblical submission" both to my husband and

church leaders. And, this confusion about my responsibility in the Body of

Christ would cause much harm to my daughters and me in the days and weeks

that lay ahead.

Our home had unconsciously been built on the sands of legalism. I fully

desired to please God and as much as possible tried to put the Word of God

into practice in my family life. But, good intentions are not enough and

spiritual immaturity and presumption would bring my house crashing down. My

youngest daughter, Sharon (Not her real name), ran away from home and I

was bewildered. "Why would she run away from home? I don't understand,

her dad and I love her and are good to her," I said to her sister, Karen (not

her real name). She quietly said, "Dad hurt her." I felt numb as she explained

that their adoptive dad had molested her sister.

The first pastor I saw was the minister my husband and I went to see

right after I learned he had molested my daughters. The second one was the

pastor of the church my husband began attending after I finally came to my

senses and asked him to leave our home. I later saw a third pastor/counselor

after finally hit bottom emotionally. Thankfully, this man brought sanity and a

balance to my life by helping me to understand that I had personal

accountability to God first and foremost. Actions that were taken I now look

back with shame that I did not take immediate action to protect my

daughters by having Ralph removed from our home.

Instead, the first thing I did was ask God to miraculously erase of what

had happened. I also tried to think about how I could keep this nightmare a

secret. I did not have a job at the time and could not see how I would be

able to take care of the girls without Ralph's support. And, besides, what

would people think? He was the husband God had sent into my life and I

loved him. Denial and confusion reigned.

The same day I learned about the molestation, I confronted Ralph and

asked him to go with me to our church. As we explained the situation to our

pastor he tried to reassure us by saying, "Satan caused this. Let's pray and

bind him from your lives." Then he prayed, told us not to worry and sent us

home. "God is in control now, everything will be okay”. I left that meeting

bewildered and confused. I accepted what the pastor said as I was in

shock. After all, he was our spiritual leader, wasn’t he? We went back home

and tried to act like nothing had happened. It didn't work though because

the girls were upset, scared and very angry. They were the only ones who

saw things clearly at that time. Several months later, however, I finally came

to my senses and asked him to leave.

Ralph was a fireman and was a member of Firefighters for Christ, a

Christian organization for fireman. After divorcing me, he began to attend

church where the Christian firemen and their families were attending. This

troubled me, as I had begun to realize the severity of what had happened and

the possible danger to other families with children. No longer in denial, I made

an appointment to meet with the pastor of Ralph's new church. I wanted to

explain what had happened and my concerns that he could attend there

without having accountability for his actions. When I met with the pastor he

said, "If what you are saying is true, he will be held accountable. I'll contact

you after I have checked into the situation." He didn't respond back. Many

years later I learned from this pastor that when he had confronted Ralph he

had been told that I was a lenient worldly mother and since Sharon wasn't his

biological child it had been more of an affair than molestation. The pastor

chose to believe this apparent lie and let it go. Unbelievable! And, though

the pastor later apologized for his actions there was nothing he could do to

repair the damage already done to my daughters when they had learned

about his response to what had happened. Of equal concern was the lack of

protection that was provided to the church Ralph had been attending.

During that time, I had never lost my faith, but I was not dealing with

things in a healthy way. I had chosen to forgive the man who harmed my

precious daughters without seeking justice or protection for them. I was

angry with God. I had tried with all of my heart to be obedient according to

my understanding of what was required of me as a wife and mother and it had

blown up in my face. In time I would learn that it wasn't necessary to give up

common sense in order to forgive.

Thankfully, God led me to a third pastor/counselor who helped me to find

myself in Christ again. He taught me to trust my own instincts and to realize

that God expected me to be directly accountable to Him. He explained that I

needed to seek out a mature Christian body where women were respected

and begin to use my spiritual gifts there. With God's direction, I began my

journey back to dignity and was able to have a restored relationship with my

two daughters.

Lessons Learned

Knowing what I know today, I would walk out if a pastor suggested

that I should forget something as devastating as molestation. I would call

the authorities, press charges and make sure that the perpetrator never had

the opportunity to molest another child again. A scripture that comes to mind

is, "Jesus said to his disciples: 'Things that cause people to stumble are bound

to come, but woe to anyone through whom they come. It would be better for

you to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around your neck than for

you to cause one of these little ones to stumble. So watch yourselves.'" Luke

17:1-2 (TNIV)

Since I did not go to the authorities, my former husband was allowed to

keep his job with the fire department, which gave him respectability within our

community. He continued to attend church, met a younger woman who was

struggling with a drug addiction, helped her and married her. What haunts me

most is that they now have two daughters... I pray that God will protect and

keep these children safe.

I have begun to understand that both male and female are

individually accountable for their choices. I cannot blame someone else for

what I will not take responsibility for. I share the blame with the man who

harmed my daughters as I helped to set the stage for what happened in our

home. I had spent ten years looking to this man for complete spiritual

leadership while ignoring my own responsibility to hear from God. It was me

that let myself become lost and to give up my own identity.

Before the molestation crisis, I had been an avid reader of self-help

books that were mainly written by Christians. I think such books can harm

someone who is unable to discern the difference between obeying the

admonition to adapt to our husband and common sense to know when to say

no. Too many books do not address the radical situations that women are

faced with today. Because of my mindset, had I read Men & Women Enjoying

the Difference, by Dr. Larry Crabb, I would have mainly absorbed his

encouragement to give up selfishness. He says, "We will not move very far in

our efforts to develop good marriages until we understand that repairing a

damaged sense of identity and healing the wound in our hearts is not the first

order of business. It is rather dealing with the subtle, pervasive, stubborn

commitment to ourselves. Self-centeredness is the killer. In every bad

relationship, it is the deadliest culprit.... everything flows out of the

cesspool of self-centeredness."[1]

Self-centeredness was not my problem during those days of marriage

to the fireman. I followed these types of suggestions to the letter, but was

lacking in common sense and the ability to trust my own intuition. I had

experienced many warnings through dreams and unsettled questions, but was

so "spiritually minded that I was no earthly good". Of course, I realize that I

was an extreme case, but there are others like me who need help to

find balance.

I believe Dr. Crabb did clarify that there are times to say no when he

said, "A wife exercises her authority to serve by prayerfully evaluating how

her unique resources as a woman can best encourage her husband as he

moves into his home and work. And as she uses her abilities to advance God's

purposes through her life, she will remain sensitive to her unique (and

therefore priority) opportunity to minister deeply to her husband. She is not

required to mechanically obey her husband but rather she is wonderfully

equipped to serve her husband and free to do so wisely.... Should a husband

consistently demonstrate ungodly behavior, his wife's responsibility is to

submit to God's purposes without angrily demanding that her husband change

(1 Peter 3:1-6). Her actual response to her husband could range from full

cooperation to a clear refusal to cooperate."[2]

Conclusion

While I still consider myself to be a conservative Christian and value

the Bible as the inerrant Word of God, I no longer am tempted to put family

and marriage before my relationship to God in a legalist way. I am remarried

to a Christian man who loves and respects me and I love and respect him as

well. I have adapted my lifestyle to fit his and yet I am careful to listen to

God's guidance for my life. There have been times when I have made a

different decision than my husband desired, but he recognized my right to do

so and supported me.

Concerning, the men (pastors) I encountered during my struggle with

sexual abuse, I understand that in the 1980's there was little known about

how to deal with such matters. I think these two men would react

differently should they be faced with the same circumstances today. Yet, I

still see a need for pastors and other leaders to become more educated in the

more challenging aspects of marriage and moral issues.

One of the most important lessons to be learned from this experience is

my personal duty to decisively respond to challenges without using my religion

as an excuse not to act responsibly.

Today, as I serve my family and my church, I do so with a great

respect for the differences that God has created within males and females.

We have vast opportunities to benefit each other with our own unique gifts

and abilities. We also have the responsibility to hold each other accountable

for our choices when they are not up to God's standards. I think Dr. Crabbs

book says it best, "When Christ goes to work, he gets right to the heart of

the matter, literally. He tears out my old heart and puts in a new one (Ezek.

36:26). And then, rather than standing outside and telling me what to do

with it, he moves inside and directs things from there. He still has laws for me

to keep and principles to follow; but now the laws are not merely imposed

from without, they arise from within. God's law is now written on our hearts

(Jer. 31:33).

While I will continue to learn until the day I die, I am grateful for the

lessons learned so far and hope to help others experience the joy and freedom

that comes from knowing God. I am especially grateful for God's forgiveness

for the harm I've caused myself and others. "He has made us competent as

ministers of a new covenant--not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter

kills, but the Spirit gives life." 2 Cor. 3:6 (TNIV)

[1] Dr. Larry Crabb, Jr. 1991, 1993. Men & Women: enjoying the difference. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House. p. 28. [

2] Ibid. p. 175-176. DEALING WITH A PERSON OF THE OPPOSITE SEX: A Journey to Understanding Gender, Responsibility, and Biblical Balance

End Notes

[1] Dr. Larry Crabb, Jr., Men & Women: Enjoying the Difference. (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House, 1993), p. 28.

[2] Ibid. p. 175-176