JourneytoDignity.com

A Book Review of The DNA of Relationships, by Dr. Gary Smalley

The Power of One

According to Dr. Gary Smalley, the power of one gives choices to my reactions, which are based on my thoughts. Since thoughts are the basis for my feelings and reactions, I have a choice about how to react when someone pushes my fear buttons. No one else can control how I think. No one else can control how I react. I alone can do that. I help myself through meditating on God’s Word and by renewing my mind. I can change negative thoughts and beliefs, which are ruining my relationships with others and I am responsible for doing so.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight”. Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

Smalley says that the fear button only gets pushed when it is about the internal, about what’s in your mind. It isn’t about the existence of my button. It’s the way I choose to think and react when it gets pushed that counts.[1] External problems like finances rarely cause a divorce. In addition, it is never just about the other person. I cannot control another person’s choices, but I can control my own thoughts and how I react when my buttons get pushed. Instead of focusing on what the other person is doing or thinking, there are six steps I can take to control my emotions and reactions to life:

1. Take control of my thoughts feelings and actions

2. Take responsibility for my buttons

3. Don’t give others the power to control my feelings

4. Don’t look to others to make me happy

5. Become the CEO of my own life. As an adult I am fully capable of being

responsible for myself and to fully accept responsibility

6. Recruit Assistants— Recruit or request help from others, rather than

     manipulate them to get what I want.

     I need to give to God all my expectations that people, places, and things will bring me lasting happiness and fulfillment. I need to realize that everything negative that happens to me can be reframed into something positive. I also need to remember the power found in choosing forgiveness. The power of one involves forgiveness, both giving it and asking for it. Good relationships require forgiveness because it heals relationships. I need to be willing to forgive and then let God do the rest since I am incapable of forgiving on my own.

Keep your battery charged

     Good self-care makes sense not only for me, but also for all of my loved ones and for everyone else around me. Self-care creates opportunities to ensure positive relationships and is crucial in creating, sustaining, and growing healthy relationships. I need to regularly connect with God to recharge so I can pass His love to others. When I allow anger and resentment to corrode my supply line to God, or I get too busy caring for others, I can forget to connect regularly to the power and wisdom of heaven. This is a sure way to deflate. The balanced life, the only kind of life worth living, takes self-care. There are three components to good self-care. Receiving from God and others, attending to my own legitimate needs, understanding what my emotions are telling me about my circumstances, and giving, since there is no way I can take care of myself if I am not giving to and serving others. My feelings provide me with information essential for effective self-care. All sources—signals from the body, mind, and heart provide helpful information that can guide and direct me in self-care. Finally, self-care is not selfish it is essential.

Teamwork – Adopt a no-losers policy

     Power struggles are very destructive because they cause people to become instant adversaries. My enemy is not the other person. By having a no loser policy, each person can feel good about the outcome. Making this commitment prior to having a discussion radically improves any relationship. To make this work I have to come up with a different definition of winning. We must redefine it to mean finding and implementing a solution that we both like. A compromise creates a deal, in which two people get what neither of them wanted, but collaboration works because it creates a win-win solution.[2] We can work on inspired solutions by working together. Steps to a win-win solution include, establishing a no losers policy, listening to how the other feels, asking God for His opinion, brainstorming about a win-win solution, selecting a win-win solution, implementing our solution, and then evaluating and reworking our solution, if necessary. I choose to enter into a significant relationship with another person and that involves choosing to become a member of a team. Everyone can benefit from reading Dr. Smalley's excellent book on relationships. I have!

[1] Dr. Gary Smalley. 2004. The DNA of Relationships. Colorado Springs, CO: Tyndale. P. 28

[2] Ibid. p. 158