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Victory Over a Baffling Illness: A Journey to Understanding Fibromyalgia, by Leslie Shaw Holzmann

My first year of school, I was eager and happy. The smell of crayons,

chalk, clay, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were exhilarating. I was

a skinny little kid known for the smile I always had on my face. During recess,

I loved running and playing with the other children in our large, grassy

California schoolyard. But, my joy was interrupted during that year when I

became sick with a unexplained disease. Test results showed that I was in

perfect health but, painful symptoms continued to get in the way of my

childhood.

As I grew older, I became painfully aware that others thought I was a

hypochondriac. Yet, I lived with unrelenting fatigue. My sense of worth

disappeared. I often felt confused and disoriented and spent a lot of time

daydreaming. A teacher I admired once said, “Leslie, you are

scatterbrained!” In my dreams though, I was a good student. Most of the

time I was scared, confused and lonely. Noises were louder, lights brighter,

and my emotions were always close to the surface. Adrenaline surged

through my body over things that would only make someone else a little

uncomfortable.

I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (FM), closely related to Chronic Fatigue

Immune Deficiency Syndrome (CFIDS) at the age of 41. I had waited 36

years to be told that I was sick. Even though FM/CFIDS did not have a cure,

the validation of having the illness labeled gave me a new outlook on life. I

began to appreciate all I had accomplished, in spite of the disease. I had

withstood isolation and misunderstanding. It was time for me to rediscover

who I was.

I had become accustomed to symptoms coming and going in unpredictable

cycles. But, after so many years of ignoring my body, it was time to listen to

it. Over time I learned ways to compensate for my disability. I began to deal

with the negative emotions that had accumulated over the years.

Since pessimistic people were a big energy drain, I began to eliminate

them from my life. My new friends said, “Do you feel well enough to go

hiking?” instead of, “If you would just be more active, you might feel better!”

I had wasted too many years on relationships with people who were

unsupportive. It was a relief to realize that I didn’t have to live my life by the

misperceptions of others.

I once thought I could only be happy if a cure was found for FM/CFIDS. I

would still love for that to happen, but now I have learned that I make my life

what it is. Those close to me know that I continue to struggle with bad days,

when it seems that it would be easier to give up then to continue to try. But,

I am responsible for how I handle the challenges that are presented to me.

And, there is strength available if I remain open and willing to receive

it. Everyday I try to remember how precious a gift life is. I’m not going to

give up – the illness isn’t going to rob me of the beauty all around me. The

color returns when I look for it and some days I even sing!